Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Randomize
