My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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