There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
