i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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