I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
