I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
