my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
