please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
