dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
