I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I pour the whiskey from now on
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
