god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
