You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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