Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
