he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
How's work?
Spinning.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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