Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
