I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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