these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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