kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
