WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
