ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
