so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
