I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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