YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
