I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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