Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
