Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
