I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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