Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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