Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I'm bleeding and have questions
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
