I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
