Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
