My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
