Duck Duck Cougar?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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