the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
