I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I have tasted many bathrooms
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
