the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
