I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Randomize
