EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
