Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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