i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
