Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
