I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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