i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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