Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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