i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize