does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
