Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
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