At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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