I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
i want to swaddle you in tequila
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
