I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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