thus making me awesome and them whores
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
