I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
