Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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